Repost - But still as true as ever

I wrote this in Spring 2006 but think about it everytime I run at Town Lake - and now I'm a much more avid runner, but it still rings true.

Of late (the last 33 days), I have been running daily at Town Lake. 33 days does not a advanced-runner make, but it has been long enough for me to acquire some adament opinions about the traffic patterns and behaviors on the trail.

1. Do you have a drivers license? Do you know the rules of an escalator? If you answered no to these questions or are from another continent where US traffic patterns don't apply- you're off the hook. But for everyone else, please remain on the RIGHT side of the trail and pass on the left. Running on the left side of the path is not the 'fast lane', it merely irritating for oncoming travelers who have to take extra grewling steps to dodge your dumbass-self.

2. People with dogs. I love them. I have them. BUT, there are some simple rules when it comes to managing your animal on the trail. Do not let your dog pull all the way across the trail to sniff another dog or person's croch or other body part. When there is a leash stretched across the pathway, that creates an inevitable hurdle for any incoming runners. Some people don't like hurdles. SOME PEOPLE are tired and breathing hard and just want to make it through the run, not experience any additional difficulties along the way due to your ignorance.

Also, do not use those extend-a-leashes if you don't know how to stop them. Ok so awesome, now your crazy dog has full reign of a 10 foot radius. That's the perfect amount of space for you to annoy the crap out of me while trying to figure out how to reel in your pesky jack russel terrier. I'm tempted to step on it. And by it, i mean the dog, not my speed.

3. I am not a fan of Town Lake fashion statements; however, there are some rules regarding athletic apparel.

If your clothing is from the 1980's (think neon, pologonal, shiny spandex) you should not be wearing it. Not only because it is out-of-style, but because you have been working out in it for 20 years, two decades. It's OLD AND DIRTY. That is disgusting.

People who wear the same clothing every day. I see you. Old "i swear I'm still blonde" woman who wears the same pink turtleneck, pink visor, legging, and black shorts- I see you. (See paragraph above) You can't possibly wash those clothes daily. You are crazy. I see you. Bopping your head along to a silent rhythm of too much pill popping over the years. Get some new athletic-wear. It's not an unnecessary expense if you actually need it. And at least wear headphones so it seems like your less crazy.

Women in sports bras. I like you. Keep doing it. The fat ones make me feel better about myself and the skinny and ripped ones are eye candy and are en-route motivation. So please, everyone, remove your clothing.

Just in case you don't know, sports bras ARE a necessity. I'm tired of seeing jiggily/unsupported tits bouncing all over this side of Lake Austin. You're gonna knock someone out with those things, or at least make someone run into a tree or something because they've been blinded. I don't care how big or small you are, hold them in place, for the love of god.

Those JLo velvet sweatsuits are not only out-of-fashion. But completely inappropriate for one-hundred-degree weather. COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE. You look like you got ready to go work out. Supercool, your on my top 8 now.

Along with the above paragraph, skirts and jeans are not appropriate exercize apparel. Get some damn umbros.

4. People who interact with me while I'm running. I hate you. I am not there to SMILE when I pass by you. Do not smile or mouth "good afternoon" to me. I am DYING of heat and exhaustion, I do not want to waste my energy mouthing words to a complete stranger. This applies to the crazy bopping-head lady mentioned above. (ps, i have nightmares about you)

5. My dog IS cute. I know. She's mine. I see her being cute all the time. I don't want to hear about it while running. Do not ask me questions about her. You CAN smile and give me a 'she's the most precious dog I've ever seen in my life' look. However enough of, "Oh is she (breath) a big (breath)swimmer? I bet (gasp) she loves (breath) to play with frisbees?! (gasp)" I did not come here with a running buddy. And even if I did, there would be a mutual understanding that you do not talk and run. No my dog does not play fucking frisbee. She is too dumb to retrieve. There you have it. No more questions. They can wait for a water break, where I will be very happy to chat about my adorable dog.

6. Bridge ettiquite. Do not break up with your girlfriend on the pedi-bridge. At this point I have just finished running and am gasping for air and trying to discourage cramping. I do not want to see a sobbing couple. If your relationship is such a train-wreck, break up on the railroad bridge right next to the pedi-bridge. Have some fucking respect for the people around you.

7. Do not catcall while I'm exercizing. I am not attractive while being sweaty, red, and out-of-breath. I also don't have the energy to give you the finger or a dirty look.

8. People besides athletes on the trail.

Musicians and performers. I like yall. Yall understand that runners don't have extra change in their built-in underwear to put in your guitar case. You make the experience nice. I like the saxaphone dude on the bridge. You make me happy.

Weirdos. You make it interesting for sure. But you really creep me out. The dude that dresses up like Elvis- in purple velvet and leggings and stands in the shadows, you wig me out.

Homeless people. I know we are intruding on your turf, since apparently all of austin is free reign to you. If you want to sleep on a bench, that's awesome. Cool. Whatever. Just don't jump out of the bushes or talk to me (see numbers 4 & 7). I would also prefer not to be raped today or any other time thank you very much.

9. Knats and other such bugs. I hate you. My body (specifically eyes, nostrils, and mouth) are not your nest or flower or whatever. I do not appreciate being your personal windshield. Stay the fuck away from me, you are so irritating.

10. Oh you see someone you know? That's awesome. Sweet. Super. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY. I DONT CARE. Why do people find it necessary to stop in the middle of the path in a clump to chat about last weeks yummy dinner of fajitas. I don't have the energy to move around you. I am tempted to run into you because you are so extremely rude. But then I would loose momentum, so I don't. Please, just move to the side of the trail. Not hard. Very helpful.

And also, don't talk about food on the trail. I will be tempted to a. vomit or b. run right on over to the Whole Foods for some cheese tasting.




So there are many other issues I haven't yet dealt with, however this is enough bitching for now. Maybe I'll do a second issue of Pet Peeves at a later date. Peace out bitches and keep on movin'.

----

More current stuff later.